The Milan News-Leader
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Through many tears
One woman's amazing story of tragedy leads her on a mission to save lives
By Terry Jacoby, Heritage Newspapers
PUBLISHED: September 4, 2008
Patty Jo Herndon has met tragedy far too often in her short life. The late-night knock on the door when the news is cold, hard and sudden. Or the hours or days in the hospital watching and praying and knowing in your heart that this is goodbye. Patty's tragedy comes in all shapes and sizes and ages: Her mother. Her father. Her sister. Her brother. Her nephew. And last year when her 16-year-old niece, whom she helped raise for the past 10 years, was being prepped for life-threatening brain surgery, she had to wonder when will it end. Or will it ever end. Patty Jo Herndon has witnessed the end too often. Too many funerals. Too many big decisions. Too much suffering.
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Mixed emotions
One car is parked in the narrow driveway of the modest condominium. The front door is open, an invitation to neighbors and friends to just walk in and make themselves comfortable. With so many members of Patty's huge family living in Washtenaw County, the front door is often open.
The main living area is spacious and includes the kitchen, dining room and family room. The sun beams through the many windows off the back. The light bounces off the chairs, the cabinets, the table and the pictures.
Patty walks over and grabs one of those photos. One of too many pictures of people in her life who are no longer in her life — at least physically.
She places it on the table, takes a seat and begins to talk about Ellen.
The picture suddenly comes to life. There are funny stories that go with this picture as the blond hair glistens brighter. There are lessons learned from this picture as the blue eyes become even more mesmerizing.
Patty talks with great pride and admiration and love for her sister.
"She taught me how to be a good person," says Patty, who obviously learned that lesson well.
Patty talks about Ellen in the past tense - something else she learned to do well.
While Patty talks about her sister's life and what she meant to her, her eyes begin to well up. It's been more than 10 years since Ellen closed her brilliant blue eyes for the last time, and Patty has told her sister's story countless times, yet the tears still appear.
But with the tears, now comes the smile. Patty's smile lights up the room brighter than the sun sparkling through those back windows.
How, one might ask, can someone who has been introduced to tragedy so many times, still manage to even smile? But this is no ordinary smile. It's bright, filled with hope and promise. It shines, filled with happiness and courage.
And it's forever, leaving a lasting impression.
Patty has somehow, some way learned to mix the tears of tragedy with the joys of her loved ones' lives and what they gave her.
She is all of these people whose lives were cut short ,and in a way living their lives for them. She brings their memories and personalities to life because even though she has met death too often, Patty Jo is all about life.
Tragedy strikes
"Ellen suffered from headaches and they were getting worse so her husband, Brian, tried to get her to go to the doctors and she didn't," Patty says, beginning a story that she will never feel comfortable telling.
"One day he woke up to go to work and Ellen had gotten up in the middle of the night with a headache and went to lay down on the couch in the living room. He went to wake her up and she raised her hand up like she was OK and for him to go ahead. So he left for work. But when he got to work he had a funny feeling, so he called home and no one answered. So he rushed home and found her unconscious.
"Brian got home and Katie was in her crib and the twins (Michael and Colleen) were in the kitchen making their breakfast because they thought she was just sleeping. He called 911, and my mother, brother Dennis and I got there right after the ambulance and the doctor came out and said she had a brain aneurism and they needed to helicopter her to either U of M or Harper (Hospital in Detroit). My mom and my brother-in-law couldn't speak, so I asked where they could get her to quicker, and he said Harper.
"I remember I asked the doctor if my brother-in-law could go and hold her hand for a minute because she hated hospitals and he said yes. The doctor came back about 15 minutes later and said she had taken a turn for the worse. He said she had no brain activity, and for all intents and purposes, she was dead."
The news was devastating. Tears, cries and screams filled the room, but so did questions about how this could happen so fast and without warning.
But before Patty or her family could ask questions, the doctor asked them a question that would forever change Patty's life. A question that would turn her tragedy into someone else's lifeline and help Ellen show Patty what it really means to be a "good person."
"The doctor said that he knows this is a difficult time, but asked if we had ever considered organ donation," Patty says. "That was the only time I saw my brother-in-law lift his head up. He said yes.
"She had told him that if anything ever happened to her that he should donate her organs."
Patty takes a deep breath and pauses, a moment to remember her sister. The story will continue with a heroic ending, but not without sacrifice. And Patty stops briefly to remember the sacrifice that was made. You can't tell the story of what Ellen did after she died without remembering Ellen before she died.
The gift of life
Almost 100,000 people are waiting for an organ transplant in the United States, and in Michigan alone more than 2,500 people are currently waiting for a life-saving kidney transplant.
The numbers are staggering, but it doesn't stop Patty from believing that her wish is not a dream.
"My wish is that no one in the United States will have to die waiting for an organ transplant," she says. "People die every day in this country waiting for an organ transplant. There is no reason why this should happen."
Because of Ellen Elizabeth Sullivan, three people stopped waiting for transplants and started living their lives again. Ellen's memory and the decision her family made that day - just moments after hearing their loved one was gone - keeps Patty smiling these days.
"When the doctor asked us if we wanted to donate Ellen's organs, we did and Brian was a big reason for that," Patty says. "He made the right decision at a tough time.
"I come from a very large family with 12 children (the Griffins). We all got to the hospital that day with our spouses, and my brother Dennis and I went to get the twins, who were 7 at the time, from school. We went and got Jason, who was a senior at the time, and brought them to the hospital to tell them what had happened. And when we left the hospital room that day the doctor and I will never forget this ... Brian, my son Tim and I were the last three in the room and when we walked out, the doctor grabbed my hand and said, 'You have no idea what gift your sister just gave.'
"And it didn't hit me until later that she saved lives that day and what a generous and unselfish thing it was for her to do in the final moments of her life."
Patty urges families to take some time and talk about organ donation.
"It is such a simple thing to do, but it saves lives," she says. "Your decision to donate your organs can save the lives of eight people, and directly effect the lives of up to 50 people through tissue donation."
Tragedy returns
Jason, who was 17 years old when his mother died, was growing up fast. He was the big brother that the other three looked up to. Now he had to grow up even faster.
Teenagers usually don't bury their mothers, but he had a large and loving support group to lean on.
The Herndons have always been a close bunch. The 12 children were all grown up and having children of their own. Lots of children.
There were aunts and uncles and nephews and nieces all over the place all the time.
So when Patty and her husband, Walter, volunteered to help raise the kids along with their father, Brian, it was a fairly easy transition.
"They were together all the time anyway so it wasn't like some strangers were now living with us," Patty says.
"Brian wanted to raise them on his own and he tried. It was better for everyone that they come live with us. And Brian did move to Chelsea and lives right around the block so he could be close to his kids. He is still their father and a big part of their lives."
Tragedy also was still a part of their lives, however.
Jason, who graduated from Redford High School, had moved to Chelsea and was living with Patty's sister, Maureen Griffin, when he was killed in an automobile accident three years ago.
"My sister Nancy called me at 3 in the morning and told me to come over right away," Patty says.
"I thought something was wrong with my sister Maureen because her health was bad at the time. We walked in and I saw my sister and asked what was the matter and she told me. I thought, 'How are we going to tell these guys (Ellen's other three children)?' They had already been through so much, and now this."
Patty said Jason was a wonderful big brother and always looked out for his brother and sisters.
"He loved to cook, was an avid reader, was a huge Red Wings fan," she said. "He loved to play board games and card games with his family and friends, was a great listener and had long-lasting friendships."
The accident came only a year after Patty's mom died suddenly and only months after her brother Richard died on Thanksgiving. A year later, Patty's sister Linda died.
"To say that my family has been through hell in the past 10 years is an understatement," Patty says. "The children have lost so many people in their short lives."
Tragedy returns - again
Almost two years ago, Patty's brother Dennis suffered from a severe brain hemorrhage and was rushed to U-M Hospital and the doctors didn't think he was going to make it.
"We stood there in complete disbelief when the doctors were telling us that they didn't know how this was going to turn out," Patty says. "Dennis survived it and now lives with my sister and has two children."
Two months later, Patty was out of town when a phone call forced her to return home as soon as possible.
"I was on a business trip in Boston and Colleen usually gets headaches around the same time each month," Patty says.
"My husband called and said Colleen had a headache, but not to worry. The next night he called again and said that she didn't look right to him and was going to run her up to Chelsea Hospital to have her checked out. Neither of us were too worried because we thought it was just a migraine."
Like in Dennis, the doctors discovered a severe brain bleed and rushed Colleen, a Chelsea High School junior at the time, to U-M Hospital in critical condition.
"I landed in Detroit, and on my way from the airport my husband called and said they wanted to do surgery," Patty says. "Then I lost it."
First, Ellen. Then, Jason. And now, Colleen?
Patty couldn't take it. This family had been through enough.
"When I got to the hospital and the elevator doors opened, my whole family was standing there," she says. "The doctor explained what was going on and what they wanted to do. Brian and the rest of the family agreed to have the surgery.
"Before they took her in, Colleen asked me if she was going to die. I said absolutely not. She asked me if she was going to know me when she woke up. I said, absolutely."
As they took Colleen into surgery, the doctor took Patty's hand and made a promise.
"He said to me, 'I will treat her like she's my child until I return her to you,'" Patty said.
The doctor kept his promise.
"When she came to in recovery, they let our entire family into her room so she could see all of us when she opened her eyes," Patty said.
"They had a Wendy's inside the hospital and before she went into surgery she said she wanted a Frosty when she woke up. And her nurse said that when she woke up she would get her a Frosty. She also was worried about her hair not growing back.
"So when she first opened her eyes she looked at me and said, 'Aunt Patty, how's my hair? I need a Frosty. Do I have hair? I need a Frosty.'
"We were all thrilled because we knew our Colleen was going to be OK."
Lessons
One of the many pictures on the mantle is a recent family photo. There are 10 adults in the shot and numerous children. They all have one thing in common: they're all smiling. Despite the heartache, the smiles never fade.
The reason is simple. Patty and her family make sure the spirits of their loved ones never fade.
"My parents taught us that there is nothing more important in this world than your family," Patty said.
"My brother Richard taught me to live life to the fullest and don't care what other people think about you. My sister Linda was the pure definition of family, she learned my parents' lesson better than anyone.
"Ellen taught me how to be a good person and how to be a good parent. But the most valuable lesson she taught me was in the final moments of her life. I think she knew she wasn't going to make it and that her family would no longer be whole and that her kids were losing their mom ... "
Patty has introduced Ellen in this way before. She has said these words many times in speeches about organ donations and how important they are.
Still, the eyes swell with tears. Patty misses her sister. She will always miss her, and talking about her will always bring back the memories of when she was alive.
The pride Patty feels for what Ellen did at the end will never fully replace the loss of what Ellen could have done had she lived. She had a family to raise and wasn't allowed to finish the job. But it was Ellen's parting gift that helped make getting through this possible, and why today the smile quickly replaces the tears.
" ... But she also knew that she was going to make other families whole even when hers couldn't be anymore. To me she is the ultimate, ultimate hero."
Ellen also left Patty another special gift by which to help remember her.
"My sister's children are the light of my life," she says. "It is a blessing even though the circumstances are horrible. My sister would have wanted them to be good, honest kids and they are. They are just incredible kids. People compliment us on what great kids they are, and their mom deserves most of the credit."
Standing ovation
All three of Ellen's kids volunteer for the Gift of Life to promote organ donation.
Patty does public speaking on organ donation and is president of the Michigan Donor Family Council, which encourages people to sign up to become organ donors.
Patty, her daughter Melissa, and Ellen's daughter Katie, traveled to Pittsburgh last month to attend the U.S. Transplant Games, an Olympic-style sporting event for organ donation recipients and donor families.
"Going to the Games is a life-altering experience," Patty says. "To know that people who donate their organs save a lot of lives is one thing, but to be inside an arena where all of the people who are transplant recipients are standing is overwhelming."
The event includes opening and closing ceremonies and a torch. All the athletes have received a transplant and represent their home states in the Games.
One of the more memorable and emotional moments of the event is when the organ donor families are introduced.
"You have a sign on your back that says 'donor family,' so strangers who have received transplants will walk up to you and start hugging you," Patty says.
"They are crying and thanking you without even knowing your name. It's an incredible experience for the kids and for all of us.
"At the very end of the opening ceremony in this huge arena, the organ donor families are introduced. And everyone stands up and applauds for around 20 minutes. They just don't stop. Because if you look at the athletes, none of them would be alive today if it wasn't for people like my sister. It's just incredible."
The event helps bring strangers together and creates "families."
"What I like most about the games is, people cheer louder for the kids that come in last because they made it," Patty says. "And that's what is important. They made it to the end."
With a little help from a friend.
Connecting
Katie, Ellen's youngest daughter, is now 13. She not only attended the Transplant Games, but even gave a speech to her class about how her mother was a hero for saving so many lives.
Patty says Katie came to her one day and asked if she could meet the people her mom helped save.
"You can meet the people who receive the organs if they want to meet you," Patty says. "You have to request it by letter and go through Gift of Life. A lot of people have and a lot of people don't want to.
"We didn't give it much thought at the time because our attention was all on the children. But Katie wants to write a letter and see if they want to meet us."
The Gift of Life will process the letter and see if the recipient is interested in reading it. If he or she is and want to meet Katie, then they contact Gift of Life and arrange a meeting.
"Sometimes they don't want to meet you and just want to go on with their lives," Patty says. "But what also happens a lot of times is they become part of your family. I know one of the donor moms who lost her only child, (and) the heart recipient became part of their family. They spend holidays together and have become one family.
"The family who lost someone wants to know you're still living in a sense and they're still living because of that person, so there is a very strong connection both ways."
The future
Patty has five children: Debbie, 32; Tim, 31: Christine, 27; Patricia, 26; and Melissa, 23. When Ellen died, four more joined the family: Jason, who would be 27 today, Colleen and Michael, both 18, and Katie, 13.
"We were very lucky to have such great kids," Patty says. "And the whole family helped. We have a huge support system with all my brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles. And Brian's family also love the children and continue to play a big part in their lives."
The family has all been checked out for the hereditary aneurism condition and everyone appears to be fine.
"But if someone in the house says they have a headache, we jump," Patty says.
Just like Walter did with Colleen.
"I don't know if it saved her life; we will never know that, but he certainly saw something that made him take her to the hospital," Patty says. "I might have brushed it off. But he thought there was something different about this headache. My entire family always says, 'Thank God for Walter.' "
And through one's courageous gift and another's crusade for organ donations through Gift of Life, other families can also say, "Thank God for Ellen. And thank God for Patty."
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