The Milan News-Leader
A Heritage Newspaper
Weekly Publication
Be prepared for an honest response
PUBLISHED: May 1, 2008
At the request of a reader, I am going to return to the topic of approaching and relating to cancer patients and their families. Simply asking an acquaintance or a friend how they are doing can be a complicated task when you consider the multitude of personalities and the fact that very often you want to respond, "Devastated!"
Advertisement
It's a good idea for caring individuals to consider the environment and activity when approaching a cancer patient or their caregivers. Speaking loudly in the aisle of a crowded local store is not the appropriate time or place to ask questions. Use your regular voice or a calm, quiet voice, although not hushed so as to imply that something is shameful.
Although I tend to feel better by talking about cancer, not everyone is like me. Take clues from the individual. Do they change the subject or welcome the topic? I believe that most people will appreciate being asked how they are doing, but there are also times when we have to take a break from thinking or talking about cancer so we don't overload.
Sometimes the person asking the cancer patient how he or she is doing isn't prepared for the answer. My advice is to be sure that you are willing to listen to words of despair when bringing up the topic. If you hope to hear a canned response or are emotionally unable to let, "I am so sad I can hardly move" sink in, then it's best not to ask.
Don't rattle off a list of all the people who you know who died from cancer. I can appreciate the camaraderie that cancer often creates, but leave the list at home. Try to stay in the here and now, rather than bring the conversation around to all of your own histories, unless they are somehow positive and relevant.
Some of the worst questions I was asked were, "What's the prognosis?" and "What are your chances?" Even if I had wanted to entertain such questions, I was usually asked in the middle of an event or when surrounded by children.
If I take the time to tell you that I have cancer, that action implies that I find you important and am interested in your support. It could signify warm feelings that I have for you, or it could be one of those moods when I feel the need to shout it from the mountaintops. Take it as a compliment, but not necessarily an obligation to cook me dinner or drive me to the hospital.
There are people who I chose not to tell of my cancer diagnosis. Perhaps they had their own burdens at the time and I didn't want to add to their stress. There are also individuals who have never been supportive and who I knew would be unmoved by the news.
I see no point in sharing such an important piece of personal information with self-centered or uncaring people. My body language and short response always made it clear when I was unwilling to talk about the disease. A cancer diagnosis is not the time to make amends or deal with old issues, as it adds more stress.
My husband knows a person who said not one word when I was diagnosed with cancer. Although he knew of the diagnosis, he made no attempt to mention it, let alone provide any help. This is fine, of course, except for the fact that a few months later, he was diagnosed with a different form of cancer.
That person immediately came to my husband, asking non-stop questions about cancer, procedures, statistics, tests and fears. It's easy to understand why the individual was in a panicky state and seeking information. My husband gladly offered as much support and information about cancer as he could.
While I agree that we are obligated to help others as much as possible, I found that individual's actions to be selfish. Even after a lengthy conversation in which the person was able to express his fears and seek advice, not one word was mentioned about my condition.
There are times when we simply don't want to talk about how we are doing in regards to the disease. An acquaintance stopped by my house at a time when I was alone and not feeling well. My gruff statement that I wasn't in the mood to talk probably appeared pretty rude, but hopefully she understood that there are good days and bad days.
At another time, I was volunteering at a local event at which point people were required to lift and move heavy objects. I was physically unable to do so and felt pretty uncomfortable standing around while others worked. One woman finally made a comment to me about joining in, which forced me to state my medical condition to avoid looking like a slacker.
Assisting families with chores or finances can be of huge importance. Even though the effort might be greatly appreciated, not everyone is comfortable accepting help or even acknowledging a gift. This area tends to be highly individualized, but keep in mind that these people are already feeling helpless and don't want to be pitied.
There were many people who made general offers of help, but I never took them up on it. Hopefully that didn't hurt any feelings. All of the offers were appreciated, but sometimes it's hard to verbalize a request.
Asking someone to pick up a special food I am craving, requesting a precise item at a store or seeking help with a certain activity might not be what the friend had in mind when they said they would help out.
A specific offer to clean the house, pick up dinner, or take the kids to the movies can be easier to accept simply because it's so concrete. I also recommend proposing ways to help out the caregiver because a tired, overworked caregiver is less effective than one who has had some of the burdens lifted.
I recently took part in a group conversation in which one person was asking for quilt design plans because she was about to make one for a relative of hers with breast cancer. Originally, she was going to make it pink with familiar patterns when she learned that the recipient didn't want the quilt to be cancer-themed.
Although the recognizable pink ribbon goes a long to way to spread awareness and raise funds, not everyone wants to be bombarded with these items. The quilter was told, "The last thing I want to think about is cancer." She opted instead to make a quilt with butterflies in lavender and lime.
Although it may sound as if I've had nothing but negative experiences, quite the opposite is true. The less-than-helpful examples are simply better at highlighting the subtle details of handling difficult circumstances.
Communicating with a cancer patient and his or her family members can be complicated when both sides feel awkward and are dealing with complex emotions. However, sincere efforts on the part of family and friends, regardless of the delivery, are always appreciated.
"Don't let all the advice stress you out": There is plenty of advice available on what foods, chemicals, and lifestyle factors affect the risk of getting breast or other types of cancer. Research studies and anecdotal evidence exist for just about everything in our environment, from non-stick cooking pans to dairy products. Personally, I find that this leads to anxiety about exactly what I can and cannot do, and whether my choices will have a positive or negative outcome. Many people are confused on which pieces of advice are based on facts or myths, especially when doctors and research studies don't always agree.
Coming May 15
Writing your own obituary: As a college student, one of our assignments was to write our own obituary. As simple as that sounds, it is a difficult task. First, I had to accept that one day, I will die. Second, it forced me to examine the lump sum of my life and decide if I liked what was on the paper. After battling cancer, I developed the habit of reading obituaries. I became curious about how each of these people died, their age at death, what survivors are missing their company, and what made each of them unique.
Coming May 29
The six-month check-up: Recently I attended the six-month checkup appointment with my cancer surgeon. It was not a full six months as I was having some complications, but the appointment was a quickie and I was given the green light to enjoy life until my next six-month checkup. Just like the day I walked out of there with no more treatments lined up, nothing happened. No parade, no rainbow, no group of friends waiting at home for us. It's difficult to walk out of any cancer center glowing when there are so many going in.
Coming June 12
View Video
View video of Alison Marable's pinning ceremony at Eastern Michigan University. The special ceremony was held in late August just for her because she missed the official ceremony so she could have her breast cancer surgery.
Heritage Newspapers encourages readers to share videos and photographs online. Do you have a video that you want to share or photographs from the Relay for Life or other fundraiser for the American Cancer Society? Is so, please upload them at micentral.mycapture.com or click on the photo sharing button on the newspaper's home page at www.heritage.com.
Your Thoughts
Have you been affected by cancer? Share your thoughts by adding your comments to Editor Michelle Rogers' blog entry of Nov. 13, 2007, at heritageweststaffblog.blogspot.com, which can be accessed from the newspaper's Web site in the left-hand corner.
Check the blog, "Inside the Newsroom," regularly to read what your friends and neighbors are sharing. We want to hear about your personal experiences dealing with cancer, the hardships you've endured and overcome, and advice that you have for individuals battling cancer or supporting a loved one who is going through treatment.
Not all stories are guaranteed to appear
online. The Web edition contains a reasonable
sampling of the print edition stories.
For the most complete news coverage, we invite you to
subscribe
to the print edition of the paper.
Expanded
Web
Coverage
Staff Blog, "Inside The Newsroom"
TOP JOBS
