The Milan News-Leader
A Heritage Newspaper
Weekly Publication
Family, friends share views on cancer
Alison Marable
PUBLISHED: April 3, 2008
It's not just about me, the patient. Like any situation in life, it's an undeniable fact that exploring the interpretations of everyone involved will promote a better understanding of the impact that cancer has on so many people.
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After receiving some insight into the experience of a friend who was devoted to my family throughout our trials with cancer, I decided to solicit other friends for their own unique outlook on what the adventure had been like to them.
There is one relative who I have adored since I was a young girl and, for her, it was an honor to be able to cheer me on. Her grandmother was 42 when she died of breast cancer, and her mother was only 6 years old at the time. She said that she was thrilled to attend my private graduation ceremony and play a role in my recovery.
"All the people that love you are a testament that it's the person's heart that counts, not the material things that you have acquired during your life or the money that buys them. It's the warm, caring soul with the big heart that attracts all your friends and family that are close to you."
If ever I was in need of an ego rub, she was the one to supply it.
"I love to see that big smile and big attitude. When life gave you a rotten blow, you pulled yourself up and smiled while doing that."
It's obvious to see that she was eager to hand out sincere, positive words and I was just as eager to receive them. She would send cards with hand-written notes inside, call or e-mail me with a reminder message of the important things in life, and even stopped at three different restaurants one evening to pick up a variety of meals to sit down and share with us.
Luckily, I was able to give her something in return. She appreciated my openness about the disease, from discussing procedures and feelings to displaying scars and tubes. She told me that I made her feel comfortable asking questions and that my frankness made her feel less scared about cancer.
Another person, an extremely close friend and important player in my recovery, made me realize that my caregivers were not without their own needs. She told me, "It was incredibly important for me to have my own support network during the really scary times."
At first, she had a hard time believing the diagnosis, waiting to hear it was a mistake. Once it was confirmed, she felt an overwhelming sense of fear and grief.
"I couldn't even use the c-word without crying when talking to my other friends about it. I didn't want to burden you with these emotions, so I forced myself to start talking more about it so that I could be stronger for you," she said.
As much as it makes me feel terrible that I put her through such a stressful experience, I have to believe that she has become even more wonderful because of this. She faced a frightening set of circumstances, and to better help me, she set out on her own road of self-discovery and growth.
A classmate of mine shared with me that my diagnosis made her reprioritize her life.
"I think, most of all, you start questioning your own life and over-identifying with the person that has cancer," she said.
She said she now makes sure to tell her family daily how much she loves them and tries not to work such long hours.
Another classmate struggled with making sure that her conversations were realistic but positive. She didn't want to dwell on the topic, but also didn't want to ignore it.
"I always wanted you to feel that you could write me just how you felt and express your feelings no matter how scary or upsetting or sad they were," she said.
One family friend moved out of state with his wife in the midst of my treatment. He was frustrated that he was unable to help as much as he wished, due mostly to geography, but also to a lack of direction.
"I would have liked to know what it was that I was supposed to do that could help in some way," he said.
At the same time, he knew of several others close to them who were also diagnosed with breast cancer. Obviously, knowing so many women with the disease made him worry about his own wife.
"You just wonder, maybe only subconsciously, who that I know will be next?" he said.
A friend and parent of school-age children was able to supply our family with something that many others could not.
"I've always felt that the most important thing I could do for you was to protect and honor your privacy," she said.
She also realizes that it's the sum total of all the smaller gestures provided by neighbors, friends, co-workers, and relatives that help a family to endure hardship. What might be considered a small effort, when combined with the efforts of others, is vital to the entire resource package.
Another local friend and parent discussed my cancer diagnosis with her child after our children participated together in the local Relay for Life program last year. Without knowing what specifically was said, it's obvious that the subject was handled with tact, respect and tenderness.
Our relationship with both of these families remained the same as before the diagnosis. We weren't avoided and they never spread our private information in a citywide game of telephone. As a matter of fact, their children would ask me how I was doing on any given day, something that many adults seemed unable to do.
Back to the friend who inspired this column, the woman who cared for three individuals with cancer in a short period of time: me, her mother and her sister. Of the three, I am the only one still living.
She stayed by my husband's side at the hospital and quietly supported a wordless man who rarely asks for help.
"He was controlled desperation to know of your well-being and, like any loved one, he was only reassured when he could actually see you himself," she said.
She spoke of my "real-ness" in not holding up a faÁade that I could get through the ordeal on my own and how important it's to allow those who love the patient to "feel as though they matter and can do something."
Being the selfless person that she is, she offers a unique perspective on cancer and caregiving.
"It's a gift that the cancer patient gives to those who love them to let them in, even if it's just helping them change their gown, take their shoes off, or hold their hair back when they are puking in the toilet," she said.
"Joining research studies beneficial": Following my battle with breast cancer, I now can see clearly the benefit of joining and participating in research studies. All too often I have heard that research studies are either inconvenient or that people are being used as guinea pigs. I am now valuable as a subject for breast cancer research. My blood has been donated to help scientists learn about genetic causes, as well as anything else that might help find a cause and a cure related to breast cancer.
Coming April 17
Approaching and offering help": At the request of a reader, I am going to return to the topic of approaching and relating to cancer patients and their families. Simply asking an acquaintance or a friend how they are doing can be a complicated task when you consider the multitude of personalities and the fact that very often they want to respond, "Devastated!"
Coming May 1
Don't let all the advice stress you out": There is plenty of advice available on what foods, chemicals, and lifestyle factors affect the risk of getting breast or other types of cancer. Research studies and anecdotal evidence exist for just about everything in our environment, from non-stick cooking pans to dairy products. Personally, I find that this leads to anxiety about exactly what I can and cannot do, and whether my choices will have a positive or negative outcome. Many people are confused on which pieces of advice are based on facts or myths, especially when doctors and research studies don't always agree.
Coming May 15
View Video
View video of Alison Marable's pinning ceremony at Eastern Michigan University. The special ceremony was held in late August just for her because she missed the official ceremony so she could have her breast cancer surgery.
Heritage Newspapers encourages readers to share videos and photographs online. Do you have a video that you want to share or photographs from the Relay for Life or other fund-raiser for the American Cancer Society? Is so, please upload them at micentral.mycapture.com or click on the photo sharing button on the newspaper's home page at www.heritage.com.
Your Thoughts
Have you been affected by cancer? Share your thoughts by adding your comments to Editor Michelle Rogers' blog entry of Nov. 13 at heritageweststaffblog.blogspot.com, which can be accessed from the newspaper's Web site in the left-hand corner.
Check the blog, "Inside the Newsroom," regularly to read what your friends and neighbors are sharing. We want to hear about your personal experiences dealing with cancer, the hardships you've endured and overcome, and advice that you have for individuals battling cancer or supporting a loved one who is going through treatment.
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